meri (broken_gizmo) wrote,

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Back in my shell.

I've been having a really hard time with words lately, and nothing has been coming out the way I want it to, so I've been retreating to a quieter world.

I find myself slipping back into a mode where the world is just all too much for me, and I want to just pull the blankets over my head and wait for everything to pass me by. I don't know what this is in reaction to, and I wish I could figure it out. Maybe the last several months of trying to be more active, to become more a part of my world, are coming to an end. That would make me sad, as I've had a good time, and have made friends I wouldn't have otherwise made. But I'm starting to feel the weariness around the edges, and the inability to brush things off and find certain types of behavior amusing. This is usually a sign that I'm going to start trying to run away, and I would like to avoid that.

Maybe it would help if I could just sleep for once. My sleep has been disrupted by dreams of late. Either profoundly disturbing dreams (often about my parents, who seem to have wedged their way into the forefront of my psyche for the first time in a long time), or dreams of such simple happiness and beauty and freedom that leave me mourning for their loss when I wake up. Neither of these things do much to leave me feeling rested and ready to face the day.

This isn't to say it's all bad. It isn't. As I said, I've made new friends, one of whom has become surprisingly important to me in a rather short period of time. I had a wonderful time on Thursday night, sitting in a darkened room, listening to crystal-clear voices singing in Hawaiian to some of the smoothest slack key and steel guitar I've ever heard, watching local girls hula, and almost feeling like I was home. The girlification process continues, and I'm really quite happy with how things are going. Combined with having come out of the goth closet, there have been a number of changes to the physical being of meri. I am exercising on a regular basis (though not actually managing to lose any weight). I have plans to make a silly little gift for a friend, and it makes me giggle. I appear to have found something that has finally convinced packet there are better things on which to sharpen her claws than the furniture (something inanimate, that is; humans are still best). I'm learning to paint my nails, though it still takes a distressingly long time. Tomorrow, I'm going to go pick out new glasses with chichi (and maybe Nyarla), and on Tuesday, I will be picking up contact lenses. One of my minions told me he likes working for me. I am doing a web site for a friend, and she doesn't seem to hate me yet. I can sleep on my left ear now, though the cartilage piercing is still sore. My gorgeous dress will be arriving in a few weeks.

Life moves on. I think I will be better if I can get some sleep.

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